Day 5 and Sleep Deprived!!!

And if tonight my soul may find her peace
in sleep, and sink in good oblivion,
and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower
then i have been dipped again in God, and new-created.
-D.H. Lawrence




So for the last few nights i haven't been able to sleep mainly because my schedule is off from being home for the last few weeks recovering from surgery. I had a cyst removed from my left ovary and there was a cancer scare, but everything turned out just fine. I am doing better just can't get to sleep at night, and it doesn't help that my baby snores ALOT!! Bless his heart i know he can't help it but i have been so sleepy today. I did get to take a small nap earlier so maybe i can get to bed at a decent hour tonight. And my head has been racing and full of soo many thoughts i just can't turn it off at night. I've been concerned about trying to fit everything i want to do all in a days time. There just never seems to be enough hours in the day!!! But i know it will all fall into place soon enough, i'm just an impatient gal that wants what i want when i want it and that's right now lol. But writing seems to relieve that alittle, like my own personal shrink! And i'm worried about trying to get back into shape, although i do have a shape right now... it's just "round". I have never been an athletic person and i can say that in the past most things i tend to start i never followed through with. But i feel like now i don't have a choice. It seems like the older i get the more i keep falling apart. And this last year i just haven't felt like my normal happy go lucky smartass self. I feel like im walking around in a daze and that my life is just slowly creepy past me. And the sad thing is i dont even have kids yet, how in the world will i be able to function in that part of my life if i can't get it together now. I feel like something has been missing in my life up to this point but i just can't figure out what it is. I'm hoping getting my health back and getting in shape will change alot of this fogginess i'm having. But these have been the things that have caused my lack of sleep even though i could blame it all on the snoring, i wont put all the blame on my poor sweet man! Sean has been so good to me and i couldn't have asked for a better fiance. Another reason to get into shape is the fact that we are getting married sometime next year and i dont want to be walking down the aisle looking like i've got 2 pigs fighting to bust out of my dress!! I did lose another pound today and so far it has been 8 total. I am proud of that fact and i know it's just my impatient nature that keeps me wanting more more more!!! Guess that will be one of my strengths in this whole life changing process. And another big obstacle that will eventually have to be dealt with and soon is that i smoke. Yes i know its bad for my health and yes i know it can kill me....believe me i'm a nurse and i hear it everyday. But it has been my crutch for soo long that old habits are hard to break. And on top of that i have asthma that up to this point has been mostly induced by exercise and sickness. I'm hoping that i will be able to change this and eventually get my asthma to a point that it is no longer a factor in my exercise regimin. It's hard for me to run but i can walk hard and fast all day long. I'm going to try to increase my cardio and get to a point that eventually i will be able to go running again. I would love to do a 5k with my brother!! So enough confessing for today guess i need to try to get to bed soon!! Nite nite and don't let the bed bugs bite!!!